I discovered porn in 1998. I don’t mean I discovered it like Marie Curie discovered Radium and Polonium, more like how Columbus discovered America or Mungo Park discovered the source of the Niger River. It was there even though I had no knowledge of its existence.
Which reminds me, at about the same time Festus whispered to me in Geography class that the truth about Mungo Park’s death was covered up. According to him, Mungo Park was brutally raped to death by Black savages. He emphasised that they were Big Black Men to allude to their sizeable penises, but I figured that part out without his leering when he said Big Black Men.
Like I said earlier, I discovered porn at around that time. The Twins had an unmarried uncle who lived with them at the time. He would often co-opt the family VCR and TV – most peoples’ TVs were hardly bigger than 21 inches, so not a big deal moving it in and out of the living room.
Curious imps that they were, they decided they wanted to be part of Uncle’s private screening and so they did. Through a hole we -I joined after they informed me of a whole new world after they saw their third of such films- found out that the Black Men had much bigger penises than the others and I swelled with pride.
I am swollen right now, but not from pride it is fear that fills me right now. The days of risking a beating to see naked people are beyond me. The risk is greater now, it is either the end of a relationship or a lost job as I will soon find out.
I’m in my second month at this eCommerce business, my job description is Public Relations executive and it is as cool as it sounds, I get to meet so many celebrities I am starting to think I’m one of them.
We are in the Boss’ office with the IT guy, HR head and the Boss himself Tunde, I know the fact that I am the only one standing is a bad sign.
Tunde starts to talk, deliberately, picking and mulling over every word before he utters it.
“So you received all the internal memos about the increased bandwidth to blacklisted sites?”
I swallow spit. How can they know it is me? I have masked my computer’s IP address since my first day here, my screen is turned away from everyone, my seat is in the corner away from everyone, you can’t get behind me, the CCTV camera can’t see what I am doing either. All my bases are covered.
I am going to bluff my way out of this. I hear myself say:
“I received those memos and I have no idea what that has to do with me”
Tunde looks at me, pauses like he is trying to find the right words.
“We sent those emails because we hoped you would take the hint, we know you have been watching porn during work hours, we know there are down times when everyone sneaks some entertainment in, we all do it. Instagram, Twitter or Youtube, but we can’t have you watching porn in the full glare of everyone”
What does he mean full glare of everyone?
“We can all see the reflection of your screen in the glass wall behind you, why you have never noticed surprises me, we will have to let you go, you are a brilliant guy but there have been too many complaints, Bello will give you your settlement and a letter of recommendation, all the best in the future and try to keep private things private”
Of course I never noticed the reflection in the glass; I always close the lid of my laptop when I am going away from my seat.